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Am I selfish????

05/10/2006 Hits: 472
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Hi I have a problem.....which I was wondering whether I could ask your advice on.Can you possibly offer me any advice?I am nowyears old but i have got myself into the most horrible situation of which I can see no solution too.I feel sick with fear when I think about how I'm probably going to lose this person I love forever .This is my problem:When I was in primary school I fell in love with a boy called Skye.But then when it came too high school, he got sent to a private all boy's school in the city and I got sent to the local comprehensive.I thought I'd NEVER see him EVER again and despaired.Around about the same time my Grandmother of whom I was VERY close to died. She practically raised me.Because of all these things(the death of my Grandma, the loss of Ian ) I began to feel very depressed.Then I made a TERRIBLE mistake:Somedays I felt so low I found it almost impossible to think about the future and sometimes couldn't find the will-power to get up in the mornings.I started to refuse to go to school as I felt so low. I'd been bullied VERY VERY badly at the primary school i went to (before I moved to the one Skye was at)which also made me quite nervous of people and scared of school too which made me terrified of High school.I refused to go to High school on-and-off for the first three years by which time I was REALLY REALLY very behind in my work.At the end of the third year I then refused to go to school altogether as I couldn't cope any more with my life. I was SEVERELY depressed and wasn't thinking logically. I ended up having 5 measly hours of home tuition per week, for the next two years which should have been spent in school. Unsurprisingly I now failed ALL my GCSEs (apart from getting a ‘C’ In English) I feel so awful! I can’t believe I let this happen. I have stupidly sat at home for a whole year doing absolutely NOTHING with my life as I have been so depressed .However this is now my problem(and what I desperately need advice on) :I am now 17 years of age . It has got to the point now where i realise that i HAVE to do something with my life i.e. college/education.But my problem is I still REALLY really love Skyethe thing is I did have brief contact with him a few years ago and recieved comformation that BACK THEN he liked me.But he didn't know about me missing school back then. you see I sent him a valentine's card saying 'I think you're the most lovely person in the universe and always will no matter what! The time has come where I HAVE to do something with my life.I want to go to college but the thing is I’ve just found out that the college I want to go to is right next door to the top educational sixth form that Skye’s atI NEVER in a million years expected anything like this to happen (I thought I'd never see him again)If I go to this college then I will definitely bump into him but the thing is I think I would die of shame. I feel like a complete freak.he's studying 'A' levels at a top sixth form college. And I .....will have to go on an Entry level course and learn really basic stuff like how to cook, use public transport etc(basically for absolute dim-wits)He'll NEVER EVER IN A MILLION BILLION YEARS be interested in me now. He's in a different league to me. He's so clever---and I’m not! but this is killing me. I wish I could be with him more than anything in the world but as soon as he finds out I’m on an Entry level course, he’ll NEVER EVER be interested in me now.But i love him so so much and couldn't bear to lose him. I think I'd die of pain !!!!!!!Also it's inevitable that i'll bump into him whilst out and about anyway(i can't believe I didn't think about this years ago.......but I didn't think 6 years into the future back then).So I cannot run away from this problem. If I ignore him then he'll think I'm not interested i him--, (when I am…and it would break my heart to do this) But if I talk to him NEVER like me anyway…. when he finds out what I've done. He'll think I;m a terrible person for refusing to go to school. The thing is (and I really need your help on this) HOW ON EARTH DO I EXAIIN TO HIM ABOUT HOW I REFUSED TO GO TO SCHOOL--AND WORST OF ALL WHY? HE'LL THINK I’M A TERRIBLE I have two options:to ignore him and lose him or to talk to him ….but I’ll lose him anyway once I’ve explained my situation! It’s hopeless! What should I do?Can you offer me any advice? If i go to another college (which there is a STRONG probability that I might) then I'll bump into him whilt out and about anyway.I also have another question: it's just I have thought about asking Skye if he would consider going out with me when he comes back from University.(by which time I might have been able to catch up a bit in college and might not be so dim) What do you think about this idea?However I have a problem.....by my calculations if I started on an entry level course at college this year then according to college it would take me 4 years of college approximately before I would be ready to go to University.............but by the time I would be leaving to go to University...Skye would most likely be just coming back from his.....so how can I ever be with him.How can i have a relationship with him if i have to go to Uni, and he'll be somewhere else????Can you offer me any adviceIs it possible to have a long-distance relationship? If so........ then how? Is it selfish wanting to hold onto Skye? Please be honest? I have failed all my exams. Do you think Skye would have a bad life if it was with me?Because how can i possibly have any sort of a future now that I've failed all my exams? How can i have any sort of a decent future now that I've failed all my exams?? would Skye have a bad life if it was with me? Am I being selfish wanting to hold onto him? It's just he is studying A levels and has a great career/future ahead of him.....and I have failed my exams...will have to go on an entry level course......and therfore don't see what sort of a future I could offer him I couldn't bear it if he was unhappy. Am i being selfish wanting to hold onto him?
 
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